El fin

What a year 2010 has been! In a word, "horrid" sums up my year. Seriously, I consider this year the worst one (so far) of my life for loads of reasons. Living here in The Bronx definitely has been a part of how oh so undelightful my year has been. I am beyond relieved to be moving to Astoria officially tomorrow! I have already declared that 2011 must be my Year of Jubilee as joy and deeply internal healing are needed now in my life.

As beastly as 2010 has been, I must say that during my time out of NYC with my family I came to finally see how there is some good in all of this mess. I see now that me being rejected and excluded by my housemates too many times to count, nearly being homeless, wondering where/when/how I would be able to pay rent and other bills several times, experiencing utter loneliness and depression for many months, being jobless several times, and seeing every immediate family member and all of my close friends go through numerous hardships IS all just preparation for my internship with Betel of America. I have more compassion and can relate more as the men in the rehab program have been through, if not the same struggles, very similar and likely worse struggles. I am weary because of 2010 but thankful that my God can redeem ALL things for His glory. Farewell Bronx ... perhaps we'll be united again.

Sara made me think ...

Before I moved to Throggs Neck, I checked out a place in the South Bronx. It seemed ideal; it was more or less exactly where I wanted to live, was already a community housing situation with wonderful Christian women, and would have meant much interaction with the neighbors and marginalized community. Yet, the whole subway ride (in prayer) there back a year ago, the time in my friend Sara's apartment, and the entire subway ride back I had this lingering unsettled feeling though nothing went wrong. To be honest, it seemed bizarre since so much of what could soon be a part of my life was what I wanted. I prayed about it more, and ultimately didn't have peace that that, for whatever reason, was the direction God wanted me to move.

This past Sunday, Sara spoke about how this year has been for her there. It too has been an extremely difficult year for her, and hearing her made me question whether or not I chose wrongly. After spending some time training this week for my internship with Betel, I believe once again that living in SoBro was not the direction that God wanted for my life. I do not wish this past year upon anyone as it has been hard for literally everyone in my immediate family and several close friends. Yet, I realize that my personal hardships have prepared me for the internship I begin in about two weeks. My stuff moved to Astoria yesterday, and like my things, I am eager to be on this new path. I do not expect it to be easy, but I feel that I am prepared well and am ready to humbly learn whatever else I need to know. I am also very eager to leave this loneliness here as it only grows and grows.

James 1:2-5

James 1:2-5 - Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing. If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him.

These verses sum up my circumstances. More roadblocks have recently cropped up in my path here in The Bronx. This is all while my closest friends are going through numerous struggles that are equally painful and distressing. Simply put, it is quite disheartening. I only know to pray and ask God for wisdom to know how to help my friends through these difficult times and for wisdom to know what his perfect, winding, somewhat elusive plan is for me now. I do not know if I will get to teach again in NYC through no wrongdoing on my part. I choose to accept that God has allowed this to give me time to prepare to move to Astoria and have much more peaceful days here. I am very grateful for both.

The Beginning of the End

Yesterday, I told my landlord that I will be moving out at the end of my lease. I didn't get a chance to tell my roommates until today via text because I couldn't catch them at home or not busy. I look forward to serving with Betel beginning on 1/1/2011. My role with them is still in development, but I am definitely interning with them until I start my World Vision internship through MVS at the United Nations, possibly as late as August 2011. Though this is all exciting for me, I am sad to see the mustard seed not grow much at this time in The Bronx.

The Harsh Reality Hits!

Four weeks in to substitute teaching, and the harsh reality has hit! I am working nearly every day as a sub and also being dehumanized by students of all ages at that same pace. It enrages me! I loathe being seen not as a teacher or someone who is quite capable of imparting knowledge but as an adult presence to ignore, disrespect, and take advantage of. I don't want to see my students in The Bronx become the statistics that say for reasons including their skin color that they are destined to drop out and live up to being failures clogging society; I have yet to help any but perhaps Matthew (at BLCS) see that. I loathe that I am now working for dollars to pay my bills rather than with passion that inspires others to enjoy learning.

The long awaited job ...

I am pleased to say that after four months of classes, workshops, tests, interviews, letters, etcetera that I am finally back in the classroom teaching! For the past two weeks I have been substitute teaching in The Bronx. My favorite school so far is in Hunts Point, Hyde Leadership Charter School. It has been extremely exhausting and seems a bit surreal so far, but I am very thankful for this opportunity!!!

A long awaited dinner

When I moved to The Bronx, I dreamt of community especially with those I lived with and frequent dinners that connected and centered us together. That dream was pretty much squelched right away. Tonight however, my roommates and I had a dinner together (I believe our third total in nine months), and it was their idea! They even paid for the pizza since I'm so broke from living on unemployment. Really wish this would happen more often here!