Update from Throggs Neck

Life here while spacious has not lived up to my expectations. I am EXTREMELY LONELY and feel very, very, very isolated. Community is not being built here nor are connections with my neighbors really. Furthermore, I have exceeded the point that I am okay emotionally being away from my family. I didn't get to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with them because if I traveled I couldn't move here and pay rent. It has now been over a year since I've seen my parents, and it's deeply depressing me. I am also not really working with the 2010 Census (47 hours total in five weeks). I have spent the past two weeks watching the Vancouver Olympics and giving my all to applying to different volunteer opportunities that require you to live in community. I want it that badly! I'm just trusting that God will open and close the right doors when the time comes to act on all of those different possible opportunities. Maybe I'm giving up too early, but I'm tired of crying these many tears (my face hurts from all the crying I did today) and tired from being this dejected. As such, this blog may end very soon. I leave you with a poem I wrote tonight.

Dead bones living or trying to anyways

Feeling all skin stripped away

Flesh torn, spirit wilting, raw and bleeding

Dejected. Despairing. Tormented. Isolated.

Why do you stay so silent?

Why is your Kingdom so slowly brought?

Why do connections have to be so slowly birthed?

Will you give me community, deep and healing, as I need it?

Why have you pierced me with your double-edged sword?

Freely I give you my heart and love

Do not wound your beloved bride any longer.

Let us go to the groom's chambers and be intimate.

Next steps

I read through Matthew 26 today. It was moving! I feel like I understand so little about God ... and yet, he loves me deeply! I see Jesus filled with sorrow yet resolve to obey his Father's will though it means death. Because of this and another email from a different friend encouraging me, I am going to take time on Monday to go to a local park or garden to journal, literally walk with God in prayer, and seek his guidance for my future. I need both the connection to and the direction from God, and I feel like I can't get either at this time unless I take some time to pray and seek the Father in a garden just as Jesus did before his death.

I leave you with the encouragement I received from my friend and Bible study this morning:

• "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait I say, on the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)
• "And I will bring the third part (a group of people) through the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined and will test them as gold is tested. They will call on My name, and I will hear and answer them. I will say, "It is My people; and they will say, "The Lord is my God."" (Zechariah 13:9)

Amanda

Amanda. My name in Latin means “beloved, worthy of love.” This morning, that outpouring of love is returning to me as friends and family call and email to show me compassion. One friend’s call exhorted me with the following from Psalm 62, “My soul, wait only upon God and silently submit to Him; for my hope and expectation are from Him. With God rests my salvation and my glory; He is my Rock of unyielding strength and impenetrable hardness, and my refuge is in God!”

Yesterday, part of me wanted to simply give up on my personal and spiritual dreams because I felt completely wrung out and used up. Though it is excruciatingly difficult on ALL levels, I have determined to continue to take my walk with Christ seriously! I keep looking at the ring I wear on my ring finger to remind me of my relationship to Christ, my marriage if you will, and have absolutely resolved to not divorce my Lover and Creator ... no matter what. (These are the kinds of moments for which my blog was created most for.)

Meeting with Bronx Community Board #10

In an attempt to get to know my neighborhood and neighbors as well as seek help, this morning I went to my local community board, #10. I met Ken Kearns, the head of this community board area. He and his staff were very gracious to provide me with lots of printed information about opportunities for service here in Throggs Neck. He and his assistant also gave me info about community gardens within the area. I also discussed with him how I used to be a teacher and the details of why I lost that job; because he is well connected, Ken also provided me with a lady’s contact information who should be able to help me pursue NY teacher certification. When my job slows down a little more, I am going to go and talk with her. I’m thankful for God to allow me to live so close to the community board office so that I could get all of this help.

Sinking like Peter

Lord, help me make the right decisions and give me the peace I need. I'm tired not just because it's 1 AM but because my calling and dreams are weighty. As you raised up a sinking Peter from the sea, raise me up and let me bring your Kingdom.

Agape love

Personal reflection and direction for 2010

So, yesterday I spent the day researching The Bronx's history and praying. In the evening, with the blizzard still going on (but much more tame), I ventured down to the UES Missional Community. What a challenging time and time of clear, personal direction! (I am applying all of this to what I am committing to live out in The Bronx on a daily basis.)

From my friend Suzy's testimony I was indirectly challenged to consider the following questions:

• How am I or am I structuring my life to bring the Kingdom?
• Am I loving others well (agape love) or not?
• How am I or am I making disciples actively? (Jesus was intentional with 12 people so that after his death his Kingdom was still brought.)
• Am I actively praying for the above people?

Then, my friend Steve shared a way to simply study The Bible with the following eight questions:

1. What is the passage saying? (Consider the cultural context and how the passage relates to the rest of the book and the rest of The Bible.)
2. What stood out to you in the passage?
3. What challenged you?
4. What was difficult to understand?
5. Where is Jesus?
6. What is the next step of obedience for you?
7. What does this passage reveal about the heart of God? (How does he love us in this passage?)
8. What is God saying to you?

Based on prayer earlier today and Steve's modeling, I have decided that for the rest of 2010 that I am going to just read and study the Gospels and maybe a little of Acts over and over and journal out the questions and my answers. I also want to try and memorize at least one verse a week for the rest of this year as well.

I am also going to be practicing what I call CPR (so I can remember it). I learned it last week at life group. It is my church's focus for the year. CPR brings us out of death to life! It stands for:

• Confess your sins to others.
• Pray for the lost and people's needs.
• Read and study The Bible.

Prayer and the next practical steps

The past three days have been filled with much prayer for myself and my Bronx neighbors. I realized on Sunday while walking to the Chelsea service that I am pretty ignorant of where I currently live and its people. I realized that in order to serve and love them well that I need to get to know them well which practically means continuing to ask God for wisdom and doing research. I must get a hold of a copy of History in Asphalt: The Origin of Bronx Street and Place Names. From what I have seen online, it is a good start to getting to know my area better. I think I also need to pay a visit to The Bronx County Historical Society soon.

Newest Scripture to inspire me to serve The Bronx

Matt 24: 12-14 "And the love of the great body of people will grow cold because of the multiplied lawlessness and iniquity, but he who endures to the end will be saved. And this good news of the kingdom (the Gospel) will be preached throughout the whole world as a testimony to all the nations, and then will come the end." ... Lord, let me ignite flames and bring your Kingdom.

Bronx Connection Dinner

Invited 14 people over to my house several days ago for dinner tonight ... and one showed up! The point of tonight's dinner was to connect people that live in The Bronx, love The Bronx, and/or love people in The Bronx over a home-cooked meal. My heart for the dinner was also to connect personally with people that I'd love to truly be in community with, to share life, and to catch up on what we'd all been doing the past two weeks (since Clinton and Joanlie's dinner in SoBro). Maybe next time more people can come over, but I truly celebrate tonight's dinner as a success! :)

Rose garden not a sewer hole

Today I had a medical appointment in The Hub section of The Bronx. As I was exiting my bus, the driver told me that this borough, in particular SoBro, was not a rose garden but quite the sewer hole. It broke my heart to hear those words!

So, on to my appointment I walked with his comments fresh on my mind so much so that I shared them immediately with my new health counselor. She fully agreed with the bus driver and then asked me why I moved to The Bronx. I shared with her how I moved here to help the people of The Bronx and because I love this area deeply. She seemed a bit befuddled as to how that could possibly be. Truth be told, in my heart, the people of this borough will NEVER be sewer rats but always breathtaking varieties of flowers!

Image courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons

ONE lost sheep on my mind

What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost. Matthew 18:12-14

Again, this passage pervades my thoughts. I keep thinking how my neighbors are lost sheep and about how much Jesus loves them. I want them to know Jesus' love like I do and beyond. I want him to be real to them. I want to see his love change this borough! I have so much to learn in order to reach out effectively to my neighbors; please teach me Jesus. I need you and feel a brokenness and sensitivity in my heart for my neighbors.

Image courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons

A month into ...

A month into living in The Bronx and my pervasive thought to mark the occasion unofficially today is "What am I doing here?" I keep thinking about this and how I want community. I keep wondering how it will all come about. I keep wondering what all God will do to bring it to fruition. The answers I know not, but the dream is alive and slowly becoming reality.

Watermark knows my heart

Was home today when this song came on the radio. This is definitely my heart for my home. Still wanting so much connection here.

Invade by Watermark

Come, come in
Invade all You see of us
Any man, who'd walk Your road is welcomed here
And You're the only one

Chorus:
Jesus, come and walk the halls of this house
Tread this place and turn it inside out
With Your mercy...

Jesus, teach us the prayers that open these doors
Until Your light floods in and illuminates these floors
And let Your truth be on our steps and in these rooms

Jesus invade...
Reach, reach in
With the hand that heals all our suffering

Conquer all that is not of You
Bring Your spirit throught
As we fill these walls with Your praise

Chorus

Bridge:
I call for angels
I call for mercy
I call for freedom
In the name of Jesus
In the name of Jesus

Verse One
Chorus